Taming the Talker to Listen in a Small Group

Are you in the process of starting another group at our church?  You may want to consider a level three Discipleship Group which means, among other things, you are seriously trying to mentor others, and each person in the group will be by invitation only.  When choosing who will be in the group, one question to keep in mind is, “Will you have a talker to be tamed?”  You know, that is the kind of person who is good for the group but does not allow others to give the input they need to give.  Talkers are valuable people when you need to get the discussion started, but they quickly become a liability for the group discussion when they do not allow others to participate.  

Over the years it seems to me there are some ways that group leaders can reduce the problems a continuous talker can bring.  

1. Before the discussion time begins, explain to the group you would like to have as many people as possible join in the discussion.  This is a subtle hint to the talker to let others discuss, and a hint to everyone else you want their input.  

2. When you ask the talker a question, preface the question by saying, “in only a couple of sentences could you describe...?” 

3. As you ask questions, call out people’s names.  For example: “Paul, could you share your thoughts about...?” This lets the talker know that someone else is being asked the question.

4. Be willing to interrupt the talker.  They must breathe sometime.  You may interrupt by saying, “that is interesting,” then call out another group member’s name and ask them what is their response.  Remember, you will lose respect as a leader and probably lose other people in the group if you are not willing to maintain order so everyone can participate.  

5. When the talker shares too long and you are in a group circle, shift your body away from them and turn your head toward others to send a signal that you are ready for someone else to share. 

6. If the talker is qualified in other areas, train the talker to be a future leader.  During this time you can teach him/her the best small group leader facilitates and listens.  In some discussion times a small group leader is like an orchestra conductor making sure that each instrument is heard and every person maintains mutual respect for others. When emotions are high, a leader is more like a traffic cop directing the flow of thoughts and emotions so hearts that are opened widely will feel safe to share at the nest discussion. 

To Sum It Up:  

Sometimes the talker misses the point when it comes to discussion times.  It is true we come to the discussion to talk but, just as importantly, we come to learn to listen.   

We must learn to listen if we are to grow as a community of believers.  We must learn to listen for the meaning beneath the words of others.  We must learn to listen because, in a community of believers, the conscience of another may speak to us rather than our own.  If the voice of a donkey was used in Scripture to quicken one’s heart, how much more valuable are the life experiences of those around us. In every group let’s pray, “Speak Lord for your servant listens.” 

Want to start a new small group?

There are different types of small groups.  The type of group your church starts will have different kinds of expectations for the participants, and your church will experience different results.  Before beginning a small group, determine the needs of your congregation.

Although there are several types of small groups, below are three to consider:

1. Task-Oriented and Service-Oriented Groups

These types of groups are important for the ongoing ministries of the church; however, they offer the least opportunity for biblical training.  Examples of these groups would be preparing food for the sick, gathering weekly to clean the church, choir practice, etc.  When these groups meet, scripture may be read, prayer offered, testimonies given, but there is not sufficient time to explore principles for spiritual growth.  The key purpose of these groups is to perform a specific task and does not emphasize deeper Biblical learning.  

Churches need these types of groups, and they are critical for various needs of the church.    However, it must be remembered that these groups are at an entry level spiritually.  As soon as possible, it is important for those in these groups to become involved in a group that will challenge them more as they mature spiritually.

2. Bible Study and Book Study Groups

When it comes to Christian Education, Bible study and Book study groups, along with Sunday School classes, make up most of the groups within most churches.  These classes and groups have proven to be essential over the years, and we need to continally begin new classes in this category.

Some weaknesses can develop within these groups that can hinder the educational and discipleship process.  For example, if the attitude prevails to “come if you can” or “it really does not matter if you miss,” then the learning process will be greatly impaired.  The class purpose, that should include learning, experiencing, and sharing our faith, will then degenerate and discipleship will suffer.

Churches need to have more Bible study and Book study groups.  One of the responsibilities of the Pastor and other lay leaders is to notice those within these classes who are more spiritually intense and have a greater hunger to grow spiritually.  When that happens, the church needs to provide a higher level of spiritual training.  This higher level of training will produce more and better equipped church leaders in the future.

3. Discipleship Groups

Discipleship groups meet once a week for approximately one year.  The main reason for this is that groups almost never become a community in less than eight months.   After these closed groups meet for a few weeks, no one else is permitted to join the class.  One reason for this is because of the need to move forward in the curriculum as much as possible, and also the process of bonding in which the group will be engaged.

It needs to be noted that the people in Discipleship groups should be chosen by the Pastor or Small Group leader.  These groups may contain two or three people or as many as fifteen.  Whether they meet at home or at church, these individuals meet with a hunger to grow spiritually.  In other types of groups, participants may attend wanting to be affirmed.  In Discipleship groups, participants attend wanting to be changed.

Just like attendidng a new exercise class, because of life’s distractions and changes in personal schedules, some will not finish the course.  For those who do, they will never forget the time spent together.  

Overall, Discipleship groups are the most rewarding level of small groups!

TO RAP IT UP --  

Discipleship through Small Groups is absolutely necessary.  Everyone being discipled should be led into a group or, as John Wesley called them “little churches.”  It is here our learning takes on a broader dimension. 

John Wesley was right when he taught us that if we do not have spiritual companions on the way to the New Jerusalem, we must take them -- for no one can travel that journey alone.

Webinar on Learning Challenges within Groups

There is a webinar on "Learning Challenges within Groups."  You can access this webinar by going to the homepage for The Discipleship Place at www.discipleshipplace.org.  

During the 60 minute webinar, we talk about:
1.  How do adults in a group have the tendency to avoid learning?
2.  How does a group leader manage painful topics and introduce new thought in a group environment?
3.  And we will explore the answer of "the pain of learning" both of individuals and for a group.  

There have been a number of positive comments on this webinar, so check it out!

Coffee and Small Groups

Small Groups are like coffee.  You can find any restaurant in any city that will sell you a cup of coffee.  Vending machines can spit out a dispossible cup of coffee in 60 seconds flat for less than a dollar.  But to say you are experiencing the rich aroma or smooth taste of coffee in any of these venues is a stretch.  A true coffee connoisseur will tell you otherwise.  When coffee is done right, it transports you to another reality.  It is not just another beverage, it is an experience.  It is not just something you wake up to in the morning.  Instead, it invites you to see you day, your friends, your neighborhood, your life differently.  It is amazing what a small cup of geniune coffee can do for a person.   

Before you write me off as a lunitic, hear me out.  Small Groups are like coffee.  Yes, everyone is doing it.  It is the "in" thing now.  But all too often it is treated like instant coffee from a vending machine.  There is no transformational experience, cultural context, or communal element assigned to it.  It is just one more beverage of choice to be consumed in our westernized culture.  What if small group evangelists approached small group ministry in the same way?  What if it was not enough to just have another ministry choice, but the goal was to create a transformational and communal experience that would transcend age, race, culture, or economic statise.  What if, instead of rushing into the next new ministry, we would  slow down and smell the coffee when it comes to small groups.  Small groups did not just appear on the scene 10 years ago.  They have been alive and well for hundreds of years across denominational boundaries.  They have been transformational centers and are responsible for creation of university, mission groups, church plants, and even denominational reform.  What if we took the time to understand what have worked and what has been most transformational about them.  

Next time you think about rushing through the next McDonald's drive-thru for a "any size coffee for $1," drive a little further to the local coffee shop in your area and allow yourself to experience a different beverage of choice, a different aroma to define your day.